Okay! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, by the way. The year’s been rather full of things to be done. But hey, I had a spare moment, so here’s a fun post….sort of. It’ll have all the playful cruelty of one, but layered with the seriousness of a regular post, because what I’m covering today is, to borrow some sixties slang, heavy.
So, who shall I be mocking mercilessly today? Which evil, heartless monsters are in my crosshairs?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold! Nice smiles for the twenty-first century, boys!
THOSE AREN’T NICE SMILES.
Okay, so, here’s the lowdown on the two assholes you see before you. Harris (on the left in the above picture) and Klebold (on the right) were two kids who walked into Columbine High School one day and shot thirty-seven people, killed thirteen (twelve students and a teacher) and then wandered around the school for a bit before blowing their heads off. You may wonder why I’m not doing my usual thing where I honour the victims post by post, and the reason for that is because I just wanted to lighten the mood for a bit. Also, acolumbinesite.com did a way better job.
I didn’t even plan for this post originally. I was writing a story with a school shooting in it, and I was looking at the boys’ journals and stuff for research, when I suddenly realized that it was high time these racist, boastful, big-headed idiots were taken down a peg….with humour. I’m not going to dissect their motives or anything-that’s for people older and wiser than I to fight over-I just want to make fun of them.
So, here goes.
On Eric Harris: Eric Harris was what happened when God decided to make a person out of nothing but toothpicks and impotent rage. He had the physical proportions of a (short) length of drainpipe and the mind of a psychopath. He was charming on the surface, but a mammoth anger seethed underneath his “normal” exterior. He planned the Columbine murders for over a year, collecting guns, bombs, and a loyal sidekick….and recorded every second in his various journals, because if you’re going to commit an atrocity, you might as well leave your blueprints lying around for your folks to find. Heck, he was planning on killing himself, after all-what’s a little grounding compared to the eternal flames of Hell?
Ladies and gentemen, here are some choice extracts from just one of these records (with my commentary):
“As I said before, self-awareness is a wonderful thing….”
Damn straight it is! How insightful!
“….I know what all you f*****s are thinking and what to do to piss you off and make you feel bad.”
Ugh, I hate it when people use the wrong word. You see, when little Eric said “self-awareness”, he meant “being such a huge asshole that astronauts can see my douchebaggery from outer space”.
“Everyone should be put to the test. An ULTIMATE DOOM test.”
Heeey, I remember the ULTIMATE DOOM test! I think it was this playground game I used to play with my friends back when I was seven!
Seriously, how old was this guy again?
“Ever wonder why we go to school? Besides getting a so-called education.”
Gee, I dunno, Eric. I thought that that was the whole point….unless you were going to sniff the felt pens on the teachers’ desks? That actually explains a lot.
“When I go NBK and people say things like ‘Oh, it was so tragic,’ or ‘Oh, he is crazy,’ or ‘It was bloody!’, I think, so the f*** what, you think that’s a bad thing?”
Well, your parents said it was unforgiveable….and here’s me saying that it was stupid….so where does that leave you?
And yes, Eric. I do think that it’s a bad thing that your tenses are so screwed up.You may think you’re God, but even God has to take the time once in a while to sit down and learn his grammar.
“It has been confirmed: after getting my yearbook….the human race isn’t worth fighting anymore.”
Dear God, your yearbook was that bad? Also: wait, you mean that the above passages were from when you actually WERE fighting for the human race?
“….And the majority of the audience won’t understand my motives either! They’ll say, ‘Ah, he’s crazy, he’s insane, oh well, I wonder if the Bulls won.'”
I just don’t get why this kid thought he had to shoot up his Goddamn school to get his point across-whatever that point even was. This journal reads like Eric paid a monkey high on glue to ghostwrite it. I just can’t understand his motives. Then again, he WAS later proved to be a sociopath with an anti-personality disorder. Oh, well.
Hey, did the Bulls win that match I missed?
Stay tuned for Part III!